Since the moment I hit publish on this website, and thus my business, I knew that sharing the books that speak to me and my work the most would be a necessity. So, I'm excited that the first one I share with you is this amazing piece by Lisa Damour, Ph.D., Under Pressure; Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls. As a woman, a mother of two girls and a professional in the space of stress management in children, I can tell you this is very, very real. At the time of writing this, every single one of my private clients has been female and each of their parents have suggested the word anxiety right from the beginning of our journey together. In fact, that word crept up in our own family's vocabulary by the time my oldest daughter turned three, and I've been paying close attention to this phenomenon ever since. It's what inspired me to dig into what was going on in her mind and thus the minds of other children at these young ages. Seeing my own daughter struggle at such a young age ignited a fear in me to which thankfully Lisa brings a sense of understanding, peace and reassurance. She certainly confronts the seriousness of the issue, sharing that 31 percent of young women experience symptoms of anxiety compared to 13 percent of boys. And that anxiety in young women has increased over the years, whereas for boys, it remains steady. But where she takes it from here is what makes this book so nourishing for anyone who works with or raises girls. In her book, she shares her personal experiences as a mother of girls and as a professional working in an all-girls school tackling issues of sexuality, academic pressures, parenting in the Information Age, social media, friendships, sexism, racism and honestly that barely touches the list. And although a lot of these topics may seem intimidating, Lisa has a way of approaching them in such a beautiful way that you will feel more empowered and even at ease as you watch your girls walk into each new phase of life. Instead of dismissing the thought of our girls having sex or posting selfies in return for 'likes', Lisa embraces these cultural norms with ease and loving assistance to anyone that cares for these growing women. And at the same time, reminds us that stress and anxiety is part of life. A part of life that provides growth and opportunity and should be embraced rather than shamed. When it comes to reckoning with the mental and emotional pressures our daughters feel, there are no easy answers, nor quick fixes. But taking a detailed, comprehensive look at the problem opens a world of new approaches to solving it. We love our girls, we hate to see them suffer, and there is a great deal that we can do to help them feel happier, healthier, and more relaxed in the face of the challenges we know will come their way." - Lisa Damour, Ph.D. As I read her words, I truly felt that Lisa was sitting next to me telling me that not only will my girls be ok, but that I am fully equipped to take on these challenges as they arise over the years. I assure you this book will remain on my shelf for years to come, as a reference and comfort to me as a mother and caretaker of girls. So, please. Do yourself a favor and order yourself a copy. The links to purchase the book in this post are affiliate links. This means if my recommendations inspires you to order a copy, you're also supporting my business. So, thank you!
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Very few things bring me as much joy as hearing one of the two-year-olds I work with appropriately say, "I feel frustrated." to one of their peers with their sweet, little arms folded and a couple of foot stomps. Teaching self-regulation skills, in my opinion, is one of the single greatest gifts you can give a child. And self-regulation cannot be taught without being mindful and accepting of each emotion that comes up - the good and the bad. I'm going to share the difference between emotions and feelings and why the difference matters, the neuroscience of emotional awareness and simple ways you can use this information to teach emotional self-regulation to the children in your life. Emotions vs FeelingsFirst, a little on the difference between emotions and feelings. In simple terms, emotions are temporary and recognizable by facial expressions (happy, mad, sad, scared) where as feelings are more behind the scenes, long-term and drive our actions (hunger, love, fear). Emotions come before feelings. For example, a child may be scared to go to school (emotion) but overtime this can develop into worry (feeling). However, let's be honest, it's not common language to teach a young child (or any other human) to say, "I am emoting sadness." over "I am feeling sad." Yet, it's important to know the difference between emotions and feelings so that you can recognize both in yourself as well as your child the difference between a temporary reaction with an easy recovery and a long-term, troublesome feeling that seems to always be under the surface. And to take it one step further, one definition of "feel" is to be aware of something happening through physical sensation. As you or your child become more aware of what emotions feel like, it totally makes sense to say "I feel angry." in response to all the bodily sensations you are experiencing in that moment (increased heart rate, stomach ache, sweating, etc.). The Neuroscience of Emotional AwarenessOne of my favorite things to tell my students is the brain magic of labeling their emotions. There have been studies (here's one) that have monitored brain activity when someone simply states what they are feeling (i.e. "I feel angry."). What we see is that the amygdala, the flight-fight-freeze part of the brain, lights up when we feel angry. Basically the brain gets the body ready for battle. Our heart rate increases, we experience an adrenaline burst and our hands get sweaty to increase our grip (Yes, really.). But when we are able to label the emotion ("I feel angry.") the lights go down on the amygdala and go up on the prefrontal cortex, our thinking brain. The brain literally moves from a state of reaction (survival mode) to response (decision-making mode), simply by stating what we are feeling. This simple tool allows both children and adults to self-regulate and choose how to respond rather than react to the tough situation in front of them. And can keep their emotions from developing into underlying, constant feelings. Basically, brain magic. There are a couple of other tools that can do this as well such as movement and breath. More on that later. How to Teach Emotional Self-RegulationSo, how do we get to the point where our two-year-old (or high schooler, spouse, you name it) accurately labels her emotion in the midst of chaos and is able to self-regulate herself into bliss? Three steps: Recognize, Accept & Respond. You can help her recognize her emotions based on what’s going on in her head, heart and mind, teach her to accept each emotion as it is and then teach her how to respond. This isn't a quick fix. It's a mindset that creates a map for how you interact with emotions (yours and others) for a lifetime. Step 1: Recognize There are a handful of simple ways to teach young children how to recognize their emotions. Label emotions for her. When you suspect she may be feeling angry, sad, etc. say something like “It seems like you might be feeling frustrated right now because your face looks like this (demonstrate).” or “I can tell you are feeling angry because of the tone of your voice.” You can also give her the language to express her emotion if you see she is bottling it up in some way (stomping, grunting, holding back tears). For example, “Try saying, ‘I’m feeling frustrated.’” Notice the difference between "I am frustrated." and "I'm feeling frustrated." This subtle difference will help teach her that her emotions do not define her. Label your own emotions. Don’t hesitate to say how you are feeling at any given moment. ("I'm feeling frustrated that I didn't make it to the store today.") This teaches her that having emotions is normal while giving her permission to talk about her own emotions. One thing here, just as above, do not make her (or anyone else) responsible for your feelings. Say “I am feeling angry right now.” instead of “You are making me angry right now.” Label emotions in stories. Another great way to keep this conversation going is to label emotions when reading books or watching movies. “Wow, he is so happy to get a new puppy!” or “How do you think she is feeling after her toy broke? How can you tell?” Invite conversation around emotions. Another great tool to bring this all together is to carve out a time of your day where you talk about what went well and what didn’t go so well that day. For our family, we share one “smile” and one “frown” (you could also do a "high" and "low") as we eat dinner together. This is a great way to be able to share the tough stuff while also bringing light to what brings us joy. Step 2: Accept Equally as important as recognizing emotions is learning how to accept them for what they are. The biggest way to do this is to eliminate any form of punishment for tough emotions. Allow her to cry, get angry, or stomp off to her room and be alone for a minute, for example. If she wants to be near you, stay close to her when she is upset. One great tool to use when she is expressing herself is to simply say “This is hard.” Allow her time to get through the emotional tunnel and when she has calmed down, help her problem solve (which is the next step). Step 3: Respond One thing I tell my own children as well as the students I work with is no emotion is bad (acceptance). Our response is what matters. For example, we can feel angry but we cannot hit people or break things. We can instead choose to say out loud “I am feeling angry!” or we can stomp our feet. Here are some great tools to use to respond to tough emotions. Neuroscientists have found that each one of these methods has the ability to turn the flight-fight-freeze response off in the brain almost immediately. The key is to teach the tools when she is not upset and to not force her to do them when she is upset.
If you see she has used a tool, try helping her recognize the difference in how she feels. For example, “After you took a deep breath, I saw your face relax. It seems like you are feeling a little better now.” This can help her connect the tool to a positive outcome and be motivated to access the tool the next time she needs it. What About Feelings?As I mentioned earlier, feelings are usually more long-term, underlying drivers. You may notice that your child seems constantly worried or fearful. Typically, this is more based on a series of behaviors and not in-the-moment reactions or facial expressions. However, usually there are emotional reactions to certain stimuli. I'll use the example of school worry as I did above. You may find that your child has an underlying fear or worry regarding school. At the same time, getting her to school in the morning usually comes with some emotional reactions to stimuli - you telling her to brush her teeth or get in the car. First, use the same tools as above in regard to those big emotions. You may find that having that toolset will allow your child to cope with underlying feelings, as well. In addition, I would consider talking to your pediatrician. He or she can help determine if it's something that requires outside help. Usually the indicator for this is if it is life-altering in some way (i.e. she is missing school or you avoid social events, public places, etc.). Many of the kids I work with are on the path to big, life-altering feelings. Some are in therapy and some are not. But having some additional mindfulness-based tools to help cope with those big feelings is what I do. Here's a little bit about how I can help. I invite you to check out the free journaling guide, Lead and Follow; Learning to Dance with the Art and Science of Raising Humans, designed to help you uncover the root of your child's behavior challenges.
I was an absolute wreck the first few weeks after my oldest was born. There just isn't a thing that can prepare you for that reality. That monumental shift from a life that is completely yours to giving up so much of yourself in the blink of an eye you feel like you are in a deep, dark tunnel. The part where you can't see the beginning or the end. There is no light. Constant neediness. Constant feedings. No sleep. So much confusion and worry and panic. This is my life. Forever. The truth is, you are in a tunnel. That's exactly what it is. And tunnels are temporary. I would give anything to go back in time and tell that new-mom version of myself that it was all so temporary. But I just couldn't see it. Then I had our second child and it was so different. I was able to soak up those maddening first few weeks because now I knew that it wasn't going to be forever. I was going to get through it. And oh now I wish I could go back in time and realize that with my first. Around the time our youngest was about six months old, we put an offer on a giant farmhouse that I wanted to turn into a mindfulness center for children and families. I met with realtors, I called about zoning laws and met with leaders in and around the neighborhood to make sure it would all be well-accepted. I met with a few people that I wanted to work alongside me, one of which was a woman, a writer, who once owned the farmhouse. Her kids were much older than mine and I told her I just didn't know if I can pull this idea off while not creating an insane amount of stress in our lives. I had a baby and a toddler and I was already completely exhausted. How was I going to add a business that had to succeed or else we couldn't pay the mortgage? And sure enough, she looked at me and said, "Oh, this season you are in is so temporary." We didn't buy the farmhouse. Not now. But maybe some day. I now find myself using this mantra, "This is temporary." in every-day moments. I now have a 2-year-old that is learning how to speak her mind, push boundaries and release her anger. There are moments where her reactions, to my adult brain, are so outrageous and poorly-timed that I find myself back in that tunnel again. I tell myself it's temporary and we sit and we breathe and we wait for the light together. The reality is nothing is permanent. Experiences, feelings, life, the Earth. None of it. We are temporary beings and each experience is only around for a little while. What you are experiencing right now is temporary. Your child's thumb-sucking, the 2 a.m. awakenings, the defiance, naps (Heaven, help me.) - all temporary. The little baby feet, the debilitating grief, winter, your too-small-house, the in-between-jobs - also, temporary. That next tantrum, caterpillars, your headache, that favorite outfit that your daughter has almost outgrown - temporary. So whether you need to soak this up or you need a reminder that there is light at the end, do yourself a favor and know this is all temporary. I invite you to check out the free journaling guide, Lead and Follow; Learning to Dance with the Art and Science of Raising Humans, designed to help you uncover the root of your child's behavior challenges.
There's something nagging at me today and I feel like someone needs to hear it. I want to give you permission to do that thing that has been pulling on your heart for so long. If you want to pursue your own business, I give you permission. If you want to sign up your kid for a couple days of daycare without income to support it, I give you permission. If you want to cut back your work hours or quit your job all together so you can be home with your kids, I give you permission. If you want to go back to work, I give you permission. If you want to leave a toxic circle of friends, I give you permission. If you want to book an Airbnb all to yourself for a weekend, I give you permission. Because here's the thing. We are intuitive beings. Yet, we are constantly told by the experts how to be mothers to our children. There are so many expectations shoved in our faces and quite honestly, they all contradict themselves anyway. You have way more insight into what's next for you and your children than anyone else and it's time you honored that. I've done everything on that list above. I've been a full-time working mom, full-time stay-at-home mom, a part-time working mom, a mompreneuer. I currently send my 2-year-old to daycare and I don't take an income from my business and I enjoyed a much-needed weekend to myself recently. Here's what I've learned. If you don't do it, you'll wonder about it forever. Then resentment will set it. And if you think life with kids is stressful now, it will only get more toxic with a giant dose of resentment. You will blame them, your partner and probably the whole world for holding you back. I've learned that whatever that thing is will not be as glamorous as you think it is. Taking care of yourself while raising kids will still be hard. It will come with a new set of tough stuff that will make you question your decision. But I've also learned that the discovery process is the important part. We don't know that we actually miss our kids or our partners unless we are away from them. We don't know that we don't like MOPS until we try it. We don't know that although we crave time to ourselves, we actually prefer to share a meal with our families at the end of the day. Curiosity is underrated. Especially in motherhood. It needs more attention. So here's the permission you need to explore your curiosity, learn a little more about yourself and do that thing that your gut knows is the best next step. I invite you to check out the free journaling guide, Lead and Follow; Learning to Dance with the Art and Science of Raising Humans, designed to help you uncover the root of your child's behavior challenges.
Raising children is nothing new. Parents have been raising children for at least 100,000 years, right? Isn’t it funny how it seems that we’re still trying to figure it out? There is a wealth of books, professions and research dedicated to the phenomenon of human development and it’s our natural desire to want concrete answers on life’s biggest questions. Yet, historically we’ve also come to recognize that there is a lot of mystery to human development. So, how do we honor ourselves as a parent in the dance between the known and the unknown? I like to think that the closest we as individuals can get to the mystery of human design is to get to know and grow ourselves at the deepest, most spiritual level. I am the only one accountable to me. And I'm not accountable to anyone else. So, as a parent this mindset has the power to shift our responsibility from figuring your child out to learning enough about your child (nature) to be able to design an environment (nurture) that allows your child to figure himself out. Your child is already whole. You just get to be part of his journey. Wouldn't it be incredibly freeing if we really allowed ourselves to approach our relationship with our children in this way? What if we eliminated the idea that we had complete responsibility for how our children "turned out" and just allowed them the freedom to explore themselves? With a healthy, supportive environment, you have the power to guide him in knowing and becoming the best version of his unique self. And isn’t that truly the beauty of raising humans? This post is a snippet of the free eBook, Lead and Follow; Learning to Dance with the Art and Science of Raising Humans. If this approach sounds great, but you're not sure where to start, I invite you to check it out.
The study of human behavior has interested me for a long time. I've always felt like I've had an intuitive ability to understand a person's point of view far beyond the exchange of language. Growing up, this meant my friend circle was very wide. And naturally I was drawn to the study of psychology, which eventually lead me to study consumer behavior in the technology and marketing industries. And then I became a mom. For someone with my interests in behavior, being thrown into the wild world of motherhood is the Holy Grail of behavior studies. On one side it was intriguing, but on the other (let's be honest, stronger) side I found that I had a lot more to learn than I could have ever anticipated. I had studied adult behavior in various ways for so long, but children's behavior made me question everything. Including myself. For many of us, this is the point where we crawl inside ourselves and decide to accept that this is the way it is when we are responsible for raising tiny souls. This goes for teachers and caregivers as well as parents. We find ourselves flip-flopping from the realization that these little creatures are far too complex and sometimes quite ridiculous for us to comprehend to then feeling the need to find the answer to whatever is stressing is out today because, you know, we are responsible for their life. And if I screw this up, they're doomed. And it's my fault. So, ultimately we feel exhausted, stressed and completely incapable to give these children what they need. We become the victims of uncertainty and we lose ourselves in the fight. A holistic approach to the study of behavior looks at a person, a child, as a piece of art. And it allows the caregiver to be the artist that helps bring it into the world. “The sculpture is already complete within the marble block, before I start my work. It is already there, I just have to chisel away the superfluous material.” ~ Michelangelo Yellow and red make orange. That's science. But that's not the end of the story. The color orange has an infinite amount of shades, tones, tints and hues and there are many different factors that impact this infinite amount of possibilities. Put this information in the hands of an artist and orange takes on even deeper meaning when brought to life. In the same way, we can appreciate what research and science has to say about behavior but without limiting the understanding and the possibilities of an individual child. It's not either/or; it's and. What a holistic approach provides for a child's unexplained behavior is an entire view of their world. This can include a variety of elements such as their environment, their personality and their developmental abilities. As an artist, you have the ability to see the potential and beauty of the tiny piece of art you've been handed and then chisel away at what surrounds it in order for its truest beauty to be revealed. Addressing behavior holistically gives you the chance to join in a dance with what science and research has given us and the mystery of human creation. It brings your intuition, your abilities and your unique design as a caregiver to life. Which is not only rewarding for the child, but for you as well. You and your children, whether they are your own or not, were not put together by mistake. You were meant to be that child's vessel into the world and you have a lot more ability than you think to bring out the beauty in them. But it takes work, dedication and a love for yourself to accept the role of their artist. I am not the expert on your child. I quite simply desire to empower you to become confident, creative and impactful with the unique works of art you have been given. If you feel a holistic behavior approach could help you and the littles in your life, I invite you to start with the journaling guide, Lead and Follow; Learning to Dance with the Art and Science of Raising Humans,. This free, three-week guide is designed to help you uncover the root of your child's behavior challenges.
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